In 2011 Adam Byrnes should have been having the time of his life. Amid helicopter flights to the Melbourne Cup and invitations to international royal weddings, the newly anointed Melbourne Rebels second-rower was living what should have been the biggest year of his rugby career.
But instead, that year marked the start of a two-and-a-half-year battle with mental illness - a battle he now wants to help others tackle head on.
"The major problem with rugby is our perception of weakness or pain. We try to hide from the coaches that we have a dislocated thumb, pushing ourselves all the time, masking injuries," he said, speaking for the first time about his mental illness.
"I guess I just did that with mental illness as well. But I masked it till it was too late."
On Saturday Byrnes shared his story at the Sports Medicine Australia NSW State Conference panel on depression in elite athletes.
The panel called for greater psychological support for athletes, an initiative which Byrnes said would have helped him in his battle with mental illness.
"By the time I came forward to the team doctors and coaches it was too late, it was a very deep hole. I didn't feel in myself that there was an option to come forward without there being consequences," he said.
The perceived negative consequences of speaking up about mental illness is one of the main points Waratahs' player development manager Lachlan McBain wants to address.
A representative of the Rugby Union Players Association on the panel, McBain said the key focus is education.
"It's about being able to recognise the triggers and equipping coaching staff to be aware of the signs," he said.
An international Rugby Union Players Association conference identified some of the key triggers for mental illness in rugby players as serious injury, travel, public perception and pressure to perform on and off the field.
For Byrnes it was the accumulation of many of these triggers that pushed him to rock bottom, a reality he said was prevalent for people right across the sport.
"Professional rugby organisations are highly stressful. Coaches, assistant coaches, team managers all get fired left, right, centre. It's all about performance," he said.
McBain said it was clear through his work as a player development manager that success in performance was a huge catalyst for anxiety among players.
"Self-worth and self-identity are commonly linked to a player's perception of success," he said.
"There is nothing wrong with facing this issue. If players face it we're here to help and there are treatments. Just because a player is suffering depression doesn't mean he gets benched or dropped from the team."
Panellist John Crampton, member of the Executive of the College of Sport & Exercise Psychologists of Australian Psychological Society, said there needed to be greater focus on managing the periods of change faced by athletes.
"Elite athletes face incredible pressure both on and off the field … this is often compounded by the new set of challenges athletes face during their transition into retirement," he said.
In the thick of his battle with mental illness Byrnes had already had three shoulder reconstructions, which would later become four. His shoulder problems marked one of his greatest struggles. It became the catalyst that would end his rugby career.
"Being 30, 31 years old and knowing my rugby career was coming to an end, I really struggled with direction and identity in knowing what I would do next," he said.
Byrnes is now a year and a half off finishing his law degree at the University of Sydney, something he never thought he would do.
"Coming forward and opening up was the best thing that happened to me. I didn't hold anything back and the more I opened up, the more I could deal with it."
Support is available for those who may be distressed by phoning Lifeline 13 11 14; Mensline 1300 789 978; Kids Helpline 1800 551 800.
