Thursday night's episode of The Bachelorette finally brings the infamous 'hometowns', with Sophie set to meet a bunch of overly attached family members.
Being a celebrity, it promises some amusing "Julia Roberts in Notting Hill" type situations. Being Sophie Monk, it ends up less "I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy..." and more "I'm just really shitting myself".
First up is Jarrod's vineyard in Gippsland, where Sophie, leaning seductively against a tree, uses the "L" word for the first time.
"I adore Jarrod and I love wine, what more could a girl ask for?" she says. It's good to know she still has her priorities straight.
The person she has to impress is Jarrod's mum Anne, Jarrod tells her.
"So if she didn't approve, you wouldn't be in?" asks Sophie.
"Correct," he replies. You'll hit emotional puberty at some point, Jarrod.
Inside, the grilling starts immediately - for both of them.
"He's not been necessarily good at making the right choices," Anne says supportively about her son, as she plates up caviar and crackers (not Jatz) for nibbles.
Jarrod's sister gets in on it, too.
"Mum might kill you in the wine cellar lol." Photo: Ten
"You say you don't want 'high-profile', but what made you go into this, looking for a relationship on TV as opposed to just quietly doing it?" she asks Sophie. Oof.
After stuttering for a few seconds, Sophie defends Ten's paycheque.
"I get cocky people, the wrong people coming up to me at a bar... I had to go on a show like this to meet people I would never usually meet," she says. Ten cues the tinkly pianos, and unblocks the payment.
It's a solid answer, but Anne still wants some private time with Sophie down in the wine cellar.
"If I don't come back, at least I died like I lived - surrounded by wine!" quips Sophie. Ten, seriously, if you don't give her a sitcom, CBS will.
Sophie's ideal dungeon ... a wine cellar, as Jarrod's mum goes in for the kill. Photo: Ten
After winning Anne's approval - "The perfect woman for Jarrod is the one that makes him smile," she says, all mum-like - Jarrod reciprocates Sophie's "L" word.
His is directed at Sophie, though, and not a glass of wine. "I've actually fallen in love with you," he says, and cops a snog.
Next, it's Apollo's turn at home on the Gold Coast - coincidentally, Sophie's hometown too. They live 20 minutes apart as it is, which is a tick in Apollo's box.
Apollo plays I Spy ... Sophie's House. Photo: Ten
But it's a distance of another type that's still bugging her - that 13-year age gap.
"I just hope they don't think I'm a cougar," she says about Apollo's family.
For some reason, Apollo delays the family lunch by first introducing Sophie to his miniature ponies, for a spot of horse whispering. Sophie learns how to make a horse reverse.
Horse versus cougar: when in doubt back out! Photo: Ten
It's an important skill but she's got bigger fish to fry, namely Apollo's grannie Ellie, who he affectionately describes as a "shitstirrer". Aren't they all, Apollo.
"A shitstirring grandma?... I've done live radio and it's easier than this," says Sophie.
Grandma plays it cool at first, even brushing away Sophie's insecurities about the age gap, before taking her shot.
"It's not normal, this thing you're doing," she says, pointing a finger at Apollo. "Don't jump into anything!"
Sophie Monk dictionary: 'Shitstirrer' just means has got a lot of sass. Photo: Ten
Ten's editors play it off as drama, but it's just old lady sass. She follows up by calling Sophie "very nice" and "pretty", telling Apollo he's the handsomest of all the bachelors, and everyone giggles happily.
Apollo cops a pash, and Sophie moves on to the next one.
That next one is frontrunner Stu. He and his $500 million fortune reside in Sydney, somewhere with harbour views, obviously. He takes her on his super yacht, the one she rejected him on about a year ago.
Stu Laundy's famous boat. Photo: Ten
Sophie's concerns? That he's been married, has four kids, and might not be ready to do it all over again.
Stu, ahem, cuts to the snip.
It's probably unlikely, he says, 'cause "I've had a vasectomy". "I'll get you some wine," he adds, as he walks off and leaves Sophie with that bombshell.
"That's massive," she replies. "I'm really confused with Stu... I want a future and a family, but now it's getting very complicated."
'Shit': Stu bails after dropping the V-bomb on Sophie. Photo: Ten
Stu starts getting medical. "You can get it reversed, obviously... I would easily go there if the situation arose," he says. Ten, I smell a spinoff series.
On another note, he's still legally married, he says. His four-year separation still needs some paperwork.
All this, and Sophie's yet to meet the family (complete net worth probably somewhere in the billions), including Stu's "hardarse" dad Arthur and his sisters.
Over a fancy dinner come the hard questions: whether she'd move to Sydney for Stu, whether she's in it for money.
Stu, having heard enough, tells them to stop. The move impresses Sophie.
Barbecue anyone? Stu comes to Sophie's rescue during her overdone grilling. Photo: Ten
"I don't need fame, I don't need money, I don't need anything - I just need someone to love me for me... I don't want to rely on a man for money, I'm good for money," she tells them, as the audience fistpumps.
That answer wins over the hardarse; Stu gets a kiss, and an appointment at his local surgery.
Finally, it's Blake's turn, back in Perth.
In matching beanies and snow sweaters, the guys meet up at the local ice rink. Blake claps his hands and makes it snow.
It's the kind of date a psychopath who learns human emotions from '80s teen movies might organise. But he gets a kiss within 10 minutes.
'I've got your back (until we get to the other side of this road then you're on your own)': Blake's manners stop short. Photo: Ten
"Blake's always been a charmer. I need to see what's behind that suave bravado," Sophie says. Probably a circuit board.
Blake's family are a lively bunch. His mum shrieks out of excitement to have an ex-member of Bardot in her home. By the end of dinner, she'll ask for a rendition of Poison.
Gah it's a Bardot groupie! Oh no it's not, it's Blake's mum. Photo: Ten
At the dinner table, though, Blake's sister Celeste gets probing. "Would you move to Perth?"
Of course not, say Sophie's eyes, who would voluntarily move to Perth? "Uh yeah," is what she actually replies, looking at Blake to bail her out.
He stares off into the distance, in sleep-mode.
After knocking back a couple of chicken schnitzels and navigating accusations that she's done the show for "exposure", it's all over - and Sophie looks miffed.
"If you say you're gonna have my back, you better deliver," says Monk. Blake gets a pity kiss, and the loser's edit.
At the rose ceremony, the stems quickly go to Jarrod and Apollo. We're left with a cliffhanger between the millionaire and the douche-bot. Of course, it goes to Stu.
Stu reacting like the rest of Australia; Seeeeeyyyyyyaaaaa! Photo: Ten
Blake leaves the mansion quietly, with the grace and poise of a royal.
No, of course he doesn't.
After Sophie walks him outside for a pity goodbye, he loses his shit.
"Are you OK?" she asks.
"No, not really," he sulks. "I'm just speechless, I don't really know what to say at all... Have fun with the other boys. Ciao."
"Ciao." Photo: Ten
"Ciao." The eternal sign-off of your typical douche (and Italians). He doesn't stop there, though.
"Seriously, she gives me that bullshit answer?" he says storming off to the farewell limo. "Seriously, f--- this."
"The best guy for her is in this limo on his way home. She's just got the second-best guys in the house now," he adds, without even bothering to rank them.
With just three guys left, Sophie dodges a bullet. Ding dong, the douche is gone.
