Online dater and stand-up comedian Marcus Ryan says, ''Imagine the old days when kings would summon slaves or jesters to perform, and if they didn't like them they fed them to the lions; and when emperors had a plethora of women presented before them to choose from. Tinder is exactly the same. At your fingertips, you just brush them to the side if you don't like them. If you do like them, you brush them to the other side.''
If you're looking for someone to spend this Valentine's Day with, forget balcony serenades, a simple ''sup?'' is how people meet in 2014. If you like what you see, you chat; if not, swipe and start again. Never before in the history of humankind have we had more ways to meet new people, with mobile phone application Tinder being one of the more recent developments in the world of matchmaking. Ryan has plenty of experience with Tinder and its older cousin, online dating. He's not alone.
Chief executive of the Oasis Dating Network Dave Heyson says they have more than 50,000 new members joining in Australia each month. ''Over a week we have something like four million conversations,'' he says of their site (which can be accessed via Oasis.com or OasisActive.com). It's big business. Heyson says recent estimates put the worth of the online dating industry in Australia at $100 million and globally that figure is more like $4 billion.
''Sadly, I've got far too many failed dating attempts that have turned comical,'' says Ryan, who since 2009 has been active on sites such as Oasis Active, OK Cupid and Plenty of Fish (POF), and has spent the past three months addicted to Tinder, but is still single. In his line of work, however, that translates to a new hour of material so he'll be performing his show Love Me Tinder as part of the Melbourne International Comedy Festival next month. Comedians Rebecca De Unamuno and Lana Schwarcz will also be devoting their shows, Kiss My Date and Love Monster, to their so-far unsuccessful attempts at online dating.
They'll have plenty in their audiences who can relate. In an annual survey of members they call Date of the Nation, RSVP.com reported last December that 71 per cent of Australian singles are happy being unattached. Others are happy because their search was successful. Since launching 16 years ago, RSVP says 19 per cent of its users have got married. Gavin Baskerville is one such success story, meeting wife Jane through the site.
So if you're looking to put a ring on it, what's the secret to success? ''Work out what you want and don't compromise. There will be someone out there who fits the bill,'' says Baskerville, who is also a comedian. ''Give people a chance, and always be pleasant and nice - no need to crush vulnerable people - but be realistic about what you can and can't live with,'' he says. For him, that meant drawing up a list of the 10 non-negotiable things he wanted in a partner. ''Sounds harsh, but they were all deal-breaker things. If you don't want a smoker for example, don't compromise because it will become an issue in the relationship,'' he says.
Justin Parfitt has worked in the dating industry for more than a decade. Successful daters, he says, focus on the experiences they enjoy when writing their profiles (travel, food, sport) whereas the less successful will focus on their material circumstances (job, possessions). Photos play an important part. RSVP says profiles with photos receive 11 times more contact. ''A good photo will mean the difference between getting on dates or being left on the shelf,'' says dating expert Samantha Jayne, who runs personal matchmaking service Blue Label Life. ''Avoid bikini shots or shirtless tops, mystery is important and very appealing,'' she advises.
Ryan says, ''Too many selfies and it looks like you have no friends, photos with too many friends means you can't tell which person you're supposed to be looking at.''
Regardless of the images, honesty is key. Otherwise, you risk things ending before they even begin. ''There is no point selling yourself as someone you aren't because in the end the guy will be expecting someone else to rock up to dinner and it will only lead to a disappointed and irate dinner companion,'' says Amy (not her real name).
Amy is offline at present, now six months into a relationship that started online, but has previously used RSVP, RedHotPie, Oasis and eHarmony. ''The sites which are more about finding meaningful, long-lasting relationships would be RSVP and eHarmony. Oasis and Adult Match Maker were pretty much your original 'pick-up style' sites,'' she says of the way sites are perceived and used.
''Depending on which site you were registered on, the expectations on meeting someone were pre-defined. For example, if you were on RHP and Adult Match Maker the expectation was NSA [no strings attached] sex; whereas if you met someone on RSVP you can almost guarantee sex was not even on the radar for the first meet,'' she says.
Mobile apps, like Tinder and Blendr, just like the gay community's Grindr, are seen as being mainly for casual hook-ups and run hot with opportunity. ''There are so many guys active on these sites it's ridiculous,'' she says.
The more traditional dating websites have their members fill out questionnaires. EHarmony asks 258 questions, for example. ''Like any online forms, they want to know far too much about you when you register. POF is the worst for it, and OK Cupid has a zillion questions,'' says Ryan.
Tinder uses the GPS technology in a mobile phone with photos from a user's Facebook account to make a match of people nearby. If you like what you see, you approve by swiping right or reject by swiping left. If they approve you in a reverse, a match is then created, enabling chat to start.
''Often, you match with people and neither of you initiates a conversation, so nothing happens,'' says Tinder user Renae Westbrook. ''Other times, you chat and go through the motions and then the conversation fizzles out. The site is very superficial.''
Westbrook, who had met a previous boyfriend on Oasis, started using Tinder simply to see what all the fuss was about and has become something of an exception, finding a partner as opposed to a pick-up. A married man misrepresenting his single status almost put her off the site for good but around the same time she started chatting to Ben Spence and the pair have now been in a relationship for three months.
''We chatted for a couple of days before exchanging mobile numbers. Tinder had a few glitches that sometimes kicked friends off your list, and I didn't want to risk losing touch,'' she says.
Justin Parfitt, who founded speed dating company Fast Impressions and ran that for a decade until becoming chief executive of Hey Lets Inc last year, believes major online dating sites only really work for the ''genuinely quite attractive'' but niche sites can help people connect over an interest, common background or lifestyle.
He doesn't believe in the ''perfect match-making algorithm'' but rather getting out there and meeting people in the real world, which is what his app, HeyLets, is designed to facilitate.
However people are introduced, Samantha Jayne, who matches hundreds of couples a year, says we need to remember how similar we all are.
''What I find is that most people are scared to change, scared to take risk and they fear being hurt. If they just realised that everyone is in the same boat, everyone wants love and to find love you truly need to show your real you, to be vulnerable and open your heart. Once this happens love happens.''
Appy days
Blendr
Blendr won’t show your exact location, but will allow you to find people nearby who share common interests.
Fancied
This app, launched in September, shows you not only who’s out there, but where the best real-world places are to meet (‘hot spots’) based on your location.
The Dating Wingman
Forget cheesy pick-up lines and awkward silences. This app, pitched to men, has more than 100 different conversation topics and ‘ice breakers’ to inspire meaningful talk on your date.
HeyLets
Launched in November, HeyLets is an app for finding and sharing positive experiences with like-minded people. It’s not a dating app, per se, but with a social focus there’s no reason why you couldn’t say ‘Hey, let’s meet for a drink’.
Niche to meet you
AYN RAND FANS
theatlasphere.com
Connects admirers of The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged
AESTHETICALLY BLESSED
beautifulpeople.com
Only the most beautiful can apply, voted in by the other beautiful people
INTELLECTUALLY BLESSED
gk2gk.com
Eight thousand Australian geeks are online here
OLDER MEN
sugardaddie.com
For Sugar Daddies seeking their Sugar Babes
OLDER WOMEN
cougarlife.com.au
For Cougars seeking their Cubs
SMOKERS
420singles.net
For cannabis enthusiasts and supporters of the legalisation of marijuana
SEA CAPTAINS
seacaptaindate.com
For Sea Captains and Skippers looking for their sirens
GLUTEN FREE
glutenfreesingles.com
Date within your dietary requirements
PUNKS
punkmatch.com
For tattooed, pierced punks seeking same
PROFESSIONALS
rubyradar.com.au
Catering solely to executives and entrepreneurs
Be careful
Dating online is just like dating offline, you need to keep your wits about you and trust your instincts. RSVP advises its users to have an excuse of having to be somewhere else after your date, giving you a polite out should you start to feel uncomfortable. Choose a safe place to meet, telling a friend where you’ll be, and arrange your own transport there and back.
Scammers are also an issue. Usually the work of international crime networks, in 2011 they cost unsuspecting daters $21 million in losses, most of which can never be recovered. No matter how great it sounds to hear, don’t be fooled by immediate professions of undying love; no one falls in love with anyone after exchanging a few emails, so if anyone is claiming amaaaazingly deep feelings for you right away, you may have found yourself tangled up with a scammer. They will appeal to your romantic and compassionate sides, investing months in gaining your trust and then hit you up for cash. Often, it will be dressed up in an emergency – a sick family member needs money for a life-saving operation, for instance. The No.1 rule is never give money to anyone you meet online.
For a full list of warning signs, visit scamwatch.gov.au.
